Prayer. Anxiety.

I truly enjoy baking. Especially chocolate desserts. Not a large variety, we definitely have our favorites at our house. And when I bake I use a different, our family calls it our liquid gold secret ingredient, vanilla. This vanilla is made in Mexico and my extended family that lives there, knows the family that produces this vanilla, so are our personal suppliers, as the family only sells locally. This family that manufacturers this vanilla use a well kept secret recipe that they have no intention or interest of selling or continuing to distribute past their family. So when the opportunity arises, we seriously stock up. Our family also keeps pretty well to ourselves, preferring low key and minimal socializing. Socializing is sometimes difficult for us. To not be completely introverted and to help our kiddos see us do hard things we started, many years ago, inviting people that we've felt a connection with over to our home for chocolate desserts. Being on our own turf makes it a bit easier for us to relax and enjoy other's company and develop varying relationships. Over the years we have had several of our children's friends and their families over, and this seemingly small act has introduced us to many wonderful and generous people. One such family we met though our daughter, Amanda. We had her friend's family over for dessert & Mom recognized this unique vanilla used. We bonded over chocolate dessert & Vanilla.

Prayer is one of the most powerful ways a person can develop a closer relationship with God, but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily. In 3rd Nephi chapter 19, when Jesus is among the Nephites after His crucifixion, He shows himself to the multitude. As he goes among the people with his newly called 12 disciples, they did “teach the multitude; and behold, they did cause that the multitude should kneel down upon the face of the earth, and should pray unto the Father in the name of Jesus.” It is here in verse 6 , that we are taught to kneel for prayer and speak in the name of Jesus. And the Nephites prayed for that which they “most desired that the Holy Ghost should be given unto them.” As we make a routine and habit of approaching God in prayer, we will come to know Him. We are to pray often and always have a prayer in our hearts. Not just when the tempest is rising, but always, that we may Hear Him and recognize Him when the tempest rises.

As we kneel in respect to our Lord, we should use language that shows love, respect, reverence and closeness. In April of 2020 we celebrated 200 years since Joseph Smith’s first vision that was the result of his following the council given in James chapter 1 verse 5. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not and it shall be given him.” At that time, President Russell M. Nelson invited all to “Hear Him.” and he, the first presidency and the council of the 12 apostles, our General Relief Society President and our General Primary President shared how they pray to our Heavenly Father and “Hear Him” through the Holy Ghost. Elder Jeffery R Holland shares, “ One of the great lessons I have learned about prayer is the power that comes in praying out loud. For me, there is something about saying the words. It is one of the most meaningful ways I have found to really reach through to Heaven and hear the Lord’s voice.” “ We need to carve out time-good time, high priority time- when we can kneel, if possible, and be vocal. Say the words. I believe that this process is basic to how God communicates with us and how He intends for us to communicate with Him.”

For me, vocalizing my prayers makes them more tangible and myself more vulnerable. I do not always pray aloud. There are times when I truly do not have words to express my love, my gratitude, my anxieties, my fears and seeking forgiveness. At these times, I ask Heavenly Father to please hear and know my heart and mind and grant me guidance and direction. I also find vocalizing my prayers helps me to focus and to push aside the many thought intrusions that I have. I struggle with anxiety. Some days, it can be nearly debilitating as I am unable to push aside the negative and overwhelming thoughts that are not invited. As I whisper to my Heavenly Father for the strength to endure the waves of emotions, lack of self confidence, and onslaught of negative thoughts, I plead with Him to hear my heart and my sincere desires to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend and example that He needs me to be. And just as when Jesus caused the storms to cease when he was at sea with His chosen apostles, I feel the peace that He promised to always send. I know that there will be more storms, I also know that He has given me the ability to communicate with him through prayer and people who help steady me through them.

When I am vocal, whether for my own personal prayers, family prayers or those of a more public nature, I find that I speak more slowly and deliberately. My voice inflections seem to be softer and more like I am speaking with a new baby. On one occasion, the Lord Jesus Christ, “was praying in a certain place” and “when he ceased, one of his disciples said unto him, Lord, teach us to pray.” Luke chapter 11 verse 1. Then He taught his disciples to pray. He teaches us today through scriptures and modern prophets to see Him in our mind as though we are face to face convercing, being sincere in our desire to be closer to and open with our Heavenly Father. Jesus sets the example time and again as He seeks solitude to pray in earnest with his words and actions. He allows his heart to be seen by the Lord. His willingness to accept the Lord’s desires and guidance as He prepared himself to make important decisions. 

At the very moment we say “Father in Heaven,” He is listening and is sensitive to us and our needs. His attention is connected to us in a way that allows Him to see our heart and mind and thoughts. Nothing can be hidden from Him. This is where it is hard for me. Letting someone, anyone, see all of my anxieties and unsure parts. Being vulnerable and insecure. Letting them see my fears that are both rational and irrational. My mistakes, my not-really-the-best-ideas or choices that I have made and acted upon be witnessed. THAT is where prayer is difficult. That is where Heavenly Father shows us the most incredible love and kindness and mercy. He doesn’t take these imperfections, thoughts, fears and bad decisions and tell everybody about them. He does not make them known to anybody. Instead he covers them with a blanket of such tenderness that they don’t feel so overwhelming, so obvious and He allows us to feel this calm and peace enough for us to get to the part of our prayer where we can ask forgiveness, seek guidance and receive council.

Elder Ulisses Soars shares “Every one of us needs to establish a communication channel with the Lord to Hear Him. This is a daily effort for me. Personal scripture study, guided by the Lord, has helped me to be more self-sufficient spiritually.” Elder D. Todd Christofferson shares “I hope that everyone can understand that there is not a ‘perfect prayer.’ We do not have to focus on a specific kind of pattern or verbage. The one thing that is required is the heart, the real desire to receive what the Lord would have us hear.” “The most crucial thing any of us can learn how to do is to hear our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ speaking to us through the Holy Ghost.”

As we kneel in prayer and open our heart and mind to the Lord, we are only beginning. By seeking his council we are telling Heavenly Father that we are willing to do our very best to follow any council He may give us. Prayer isn’t talking AT Heavenly Father. Prayer is the representation, communication and commitment of a relationship. Relationships involve more than 1 person. Through our relationships with other people, whether an acquaintance relationship, a friendship relationship, a sibling, parent, family relationship, dating relationship, work or marriage relationships, we learn about ourselves. We learn our likes and dislikes. We learn our strengths and struggles, we learn love, respect, responsibilities, we learn who we are and who we want to become. In our relationship with Heavenly Father, we are able to see all that we have been and all that we will be. It is through this relationship that He allows us to see ourselves through His eyes and behold the beauty and strength that he has blessed us with. 

Heavenly Father puts many people and various relationships in our paths to help us grow and also allow us to help others in their growth. He also puts these into place to fulfill His promise to us to always be with us and guide and direct us. With my anxieties, I struggle to know which thoughts are mine and which are those He needs me to hear. Small and quiet voices get lost. I know that for this reason, Heavenly Father has put some amazing people in my life to help me when I need it most. My husband, Tanner, and my children are at the forefront. On Christmas Eve, our oldest daughter was in a car accident. The month of December is expectantly a busy month full of family gatherings, shopping, reaching out to others more because of the Christmas Spirit. It was a bit more busy than that for us. I’d started the month off with having a nasal reconstructive surgery so I can breath better, celebrating an 18th birthday for Deandra, Cameron having an accident and needing stitches in his hand, Brianna moving home for winter break from University, celebrating the birth of our family of 23 years, several more medical tests for myself and a planned knee surgery for Tanner. A car accident was pretty much the straw to break the proverbial camel’s back. Tanner and I met Krista at the scene of the accident to find she had a badly broken wrist and a totalled car. And a happy chatty 9 month old at her feet. We took her to meet her husband at the Emergency Department closest to the Orthopedic Hand Specialist that I have seen several times, hoping that someone from his offices would be on-call. That was not the case. She was stabilized and sent home for the holiday weekend with the name and number of a surgeon to call. We had a fantastic holiday despite the abrupt changes in plans. Monday morning she called the office of the referred Dr. He specialized in hip and knee replacements. He wouldn’t touch her. Krista being on pain medications wasn't quite up to the task of getting herself seen and her husband was doing his best to support her by keeping his new job and asking his parents, myself and Tanner to assist Krista and help with their 9 month old son. My anxieties were not in a good place. Through prayer and the moments of calm that Heavenly Father blessed me with, I helped by making phone calls. Nobody could get Krista in to be seen for several days. We were able to secure an appointment for Thurs, but I kept having this overwhelming feeling that she needed to be seen sooner not later. With so much going on around me, I worried that my anxieties were creating more chaos than allowing for guidance. It was at this point, I felt an overwhelming need to reach out to a distant friend whose husband is a PA to an orthopedic hand surgeon. They of course were out of town but did what they could. Mostly, for me, she kept a running text with me through Cameron's & now Krista's. Although her husband wasn't able to get Krista in sooner, the calming presence, understanding & suggestions they both offered was what we, especially I, needed.

The next person I reached out to wasn't so easy. Amanda had grown away from her friend that we'd had over for dessert, their dad is an Orthopedic Surgeon. We'd not spoken with their family in over a year. But we had vanilla. I called & asked for help. That is NEVER easy. I explained our situation & assured her that we understood if they weren't in a position to help. Lindsay, mom, called John, Orthopedic Surgeon & asked him to simply pull her x-ray. She called back less than 10 minutes later asking us to get to his office within 15 minutes when he would take a break between patients. It was a 22 minute Dr from our house. We made it. He said it was bad & he'd be able to do surgery on all but the worst of the breaks. So he asked us to sit tight. He made calls & pulled in favors. We were sent to Ortho Arizona to see a more specialized hand specialist. He said he could squeeze us in if we could be there's within 30 minutes. His office was 40 minutes away, not including construction, school zones & traffic. We made it without speeding again. So vary many prayers & anxieties calmed! Many prayers were & continue to be answered. Had we waited for the original appointment a week after her accident, she would have lost dexterity in her dominant hand due to lack of bloodflow in the bones within her hand.

Prayer is a direct line to our Heavenly Father. He gave us this direct line to use. Daily, regularly, often. Sometimes we pray out of habit or faking it till we make it. Or just because it’s the right thing to do. But when we come to see for ourselves that through prayer we are stronger, we can Hear Him over and through the anxieties and chaos that this world and sometimes our own bodies and mind throw at us. It doesn’t take the chaos and anxiety away, but it calms it. I have a solid testimony of prayer. Of hope. Prayer doesn't take our struggles away. Prayer does give us hope & as we continue to pray, we can hear Him through the chaos of our struggles & anxieties. Sometimes when we can't hear Him in our own mind, He places people in our paths to speak for Him. Please take the time for yourselves to pray and learn to Hear Him.

How Much to Hide

I closed my eyes and forced myself to take a deep breath. To think calmly and logically before I did anything stupid. Then I looked up.

    The fury in her eyes was red-hot. I could almost see the smoke steaming from her ears. The once calm eyes of warm chocolate looked more like a puddle of mud at the moment. And that was the worst part. Not the red face, or the glare, or even the hint of danger in her snarl. No. The muddy eyes were the worst and the muddy look came from the tears she refused to let fall. All the anger in the world couldn't overcome this moment because right now, she was furious. The tears proved just how much she cared. But those tears were her weakness. For once one fell, so would she, and nothing would be able to bring her back.

    I looked back down into the sink and splashed water onto my face. There. Nobody would see the tears.

    I tilted my head up to face my reflection once more and practiced the smile I would show everyone.

By Brianna Rae

You never know what you have until it's gone

In thisworld today, so full of drama and anger and emotions, the phrase “You never know what you have until it's gone” is not abnormal. In fact, it is a common phrase. You can find it in a book, a movie, or even a comic. But nobody ever dares to dive deep into its meaning. Sure, you have something, you love it and you lose it, then suddenly the world is thrown apart. Everybody expects this dramatic outcome, but in all reality, it's in the little things. I recently lost someone I love. And it sounds like something that would walk out of a book, but to be honest, I didn't realize how much I loved this person until they left. My best friend.

    I was stupid and I was just learning to see the differences between my emotions. I am no good with emotions. At least, not my own. But he was there and I never thought of a time he wouldn't be there for me. I let our friendship grow. Looking back, it's kinda funny, but I had to ask my sister what I was feeling because I had no idea what this emotion was. I asked her, my mom, my dad, and all the people close to me. They all said the same thing. “We can't tell you how to feel or what exactly you are feeling, but it sounds like you really like this guy. Beyond friendship standards.”

    I was skeptical. I was determined to just be friends. I was going to college and he was leaving for a time. I didn't want to work with a long distance relationship. This was my first mistake. I told him that we should be just friends and he respected my decision. Whether he liked it or not, he kept my trust. But as time went on, as we kept hanging out, we got closer. In my mind I kept telling myself that this was fine. We were still just friends. That was my second mistake. I kept denying it. Maybe I should have told him how I felt. Maybe I should have reached out a little farther and met him in the middle. I knew how he felt and by this point I knew how I felt. 

    Then I left for college. I did everything in my power to keep in touch. I texted almost every day and called every chance I could get. I don't know what was going on, but he wouldn't reach back out. And it hurt. More than I have ever hurt before. That's when I decided I needed to know why. Why someone that I thought cared for me would just go silent. What was going on. I wanted to help make it better and I needed closure.

    I drove home for the weekend and I walked right up to him and asked my questions. I asked him why he was ghosting me. I told him that I was there for him, that he could tell me anything and our relationship wouldn't change. I told him he wasn't alone, and that he shouldn't feel the need to be alone. I had thought I made it clear how I felt, but I guess not. That is when I realized he was gone. He didn't want to talk to me, so I wouldn't push him. And maybe I should have, but I can't change it now.

    I was angry and I still am. Looking back, there are so many little things I miss. When you hear the phrase “You never know what you have until it's gone.” you think of the whole picture. The person. But it is so much more than that. It's the way he hugged you. How you had to go on tiptoe to hug him back. It's how he was so patient with you in the beginning. It was really cute, he always asked before giving me a hug. And he respected my decision when I said no. But when I finally knew him well enough, I hugged him back. But it's not just the hugs. It's the way he looked at you. Like he knew what was going on in your mind. It's the awkward silences when neither of you know what to say, so you just look at each other until you both feel so out of place that you just have to laugh. It's the first time he held your hand. How he played with your fingers until you just told him to grab it. It's the moment of happiness when you finally held his hand back. It's how he said your name, it's how he held you during a movie. It's all the little things that make him up.

And now he is gone.

When you hear the phrase “You never know what you have until it's gone.” it's true. He left and I broke. Every day was hard to get by and it was difficult not being able to talk to him. I did what I could to fix it, but he didn't seem to want it to be fixed. And now all I am left with is the ‘what if’s’.

    What if I had told him I liked him? What if I had held his hand sooner? What if, what if, what if? But soon those ‘what ifs’ turned negative. What if it was just a game? What if he didn't really like me? What if I did something wrong?

    I miss him every day. And as cruel as it sounds, I decided to take him out of my life. I had been in such a situation before and the fear of getting hurt again was too much to handle. Thinking of what was best for me, I moved on, without hope of hearing from him again.

    I'm doing much better now. Those sleepless nights and all those tears I cried were not for nothing. I learned from this experience. It was a difficult lesson, but it taught me that I need to be able to think about myself and what is best for me at least some of the time. I can't always put others before me and my needs. Holding on would have been too much, and I fear it would have broken me even more.

And it sounds like a sappy love story, but this is my sappy love story. Although it wasn't the longest or most interesting, it finally hit it's last chapter. This sappy love story has finally hit it's ending.

By Brianna Rae

When You Truly Look

 She was beyond angry. She was furious. You could tell by how she placed her hands on the counter in front of you. Palms flat and leaning forward, she was threatening you with her gaze as if to say that emotion was a weakness. But that gave you the chance to truly look at her. You copied her posture, noting how all the pressure was in her arms as though sheer will was holding her up. The faint tremble in her form as she willed the pain away. You looked in her eyes but instead of glaring back,  you searched them for the weakness that was hidden there. For anything to prove that she would be okay and that she wasn't completely lost. But you found nothing.

The dark brown eyes that had once softened hearts, that had once held so much promise and hope were empty and stolen of anything good. Then you remembered all the hurt and pain that she had suffered through all the years.

A soft tear tripped down your face and her expression broke, her arms collapsing as she allowed the smallest bit of emotion into her gaze and allowed you to truly see beyond her exterior.

In a flash of a moment, you saw the anguish and the anger and the fear that she works so hard to hide away. She used to be an open book, but over time, this book was torn and abused to the point that she no longer trusts anyone enough to share her story.

Her soft brown eyes became wet and she finally allowed herself a moment to feel. It was overwhelming and heartbreaking to watch her fall apart all over again. All the walls that she painstakingly put up to protect herself were frighteningly weak. They wouldn't last another hit.

She leaned over and splashed cold water on her face, droplets splattering the glass in front of her. Looking up once more she allowed herself one last glance at who she was in the mirror before sealing herself up again and hiding her emotions once more.

By Brianna Rae

Who am I?

I am a daughter.

I am a sister.

I am family.

I am 18.

I am a college student.

I am 

I am not who you think I am. You may look at me and see confidence. A pretty face, maybe. You might even see a real smile and laugh. But that is not truly me.

Pepper!

Nine years ago September 1st, Pepper joined our family. On Sunday, August 30th, she said goodbye.

Post by Deandra Potterf

Tonight we say goodbye to Pepper. She was hit by a car sometime between 7 and 9pm. She was found on the side of the road by my bus stop. We don't know who hit her. I hate that I'm never going to see her run up to me and press her face into my leg asking for scratches and rubs. I'm never going to see her rub her bum on the wall or a pole. She was amazing and the most chill dog ever. She was the only dog I knew of that would let me touch her paws and turn it into a game of who can slap the fastest. She loved playing tag of war with her rope. She was always there when I didn't feel I had anyone. She helped me through some of my darkest years and help me overcome so many things. I can't remember anytime when she wasn't there for me after a hard and miserable day at school. I can't remember a time when she was grumpy or mad. I've only ever seen her growl once, it was when I was taking her on a walk and a guy was following me. She was always such a butt when it came to baths or getting her inside and past the kitchen. I would always catch her doing the weirdest of things. Like rolling in something dead and smelly. Or chasing skunks and getting sprayed. I have so many beautiful and sweet and funny memories with her. I can't imagine a life without her. She won't be there for me anymore when I have a bad day or when I want to snuggle on a cold day. I won't be able to dress her up in my over sized hoodies and shirts. Or put scrunchies on her ears or paint her nails and watch her run around trying to get it off. We had this running joke about how she would chase the planes and that she would never let them land in our yard. But she would let the birds land in the yard. I don't know what I'm going to do with out her. I can't stop thinking about how I'll never see her wag her tail so hard she would look like a little catapiler with long legs. Or that little upside down heart that was on her nose. She was so amazing. I'm going to miss you so much Peps. I know Heavenly Father is greeting you now and that you are watching over me. I love you so much girl. Even if you did steal my food when I wasn't looking. I'll miss you so much. I won't ever forget you. Never. I love you❤❤

We burried Pepper in our back yard behind the swing set she loved scratching her backside on.  It was always so fun to watch her scratch! Krista & Dominic came over at 11pm  from their apartment over by ASU to say goodbye & Brianna was being so very brave at her dorm at NAU-having just moved up 2 days earlier.  Some of the things our family said about Pepper-

You got the short end of the stick-when she was fixed she was accidently slipped wrong & had urinary incontinence, everywhere she laid down, she would leave a puddle of urin & therefore was very limited indoors. But still, you were a great friend. I'll miss you! 

You were always so happy! You would run up to me & try to climb into my lap!

I loved watching you be so patient & calm having babies, kiddos, bunnies, chickies & birds climb all over you! Deandra dressing you up in tutus & clothes, painting your toenails & such.  Running in the ocean chasing birds & rolling in dead stuff on the beach.  Going to Black River, camping & fishing prancing around with the pack we made for you to carry your own food & a pedometer to keep track of all the extra miles you would put in around us!  Always ready to get in the car, no matter where we were going or who was driving.  Always keeping the airplanes & helicopters out of the yard. Digging in the the garden to find a cool place to lay down. I'll miss you trying to sneak past me in the kitchen to be in the house when Daddy brought you in through the garage door.  Sure do love you, Miss Pepper!

I love you Pepper! You were awesome at pulling me on the wake board on the beach!

You were always a good dog. I loved it when she always tried to steal my food ;-) I met you when I was only 3 months old & everyone wanted me to ride you like a horse when I could sit up by myself. I loved you chasing me when I was running in the back yard. You always made me smile!