Prayer. Anxiety.

I truly enjoy baking. Especially chocolate desserts. Not a large variety, we definitely have our favorites at our house. And when I bake I use a different, our family calls it our liquid gold secret ingredient, vanilla. This vanilla is made in Mexico and my extended family that lives there, knows the family that produces this vanilla, so are our personal suppliers, as the family only sells locally. This family that manufacturers this vanilla use a well kept secret recipe that they have no intention or interest of selling or continuing to distribute past their family. So when the opportunity arises, we seriously stock up. Our family also keeps pretty well to ourselves, preferring low key and minimal socializing. Socializing is sometimes difficult for us. To not be completely introverted and to help our kiddos see us do hard things we started, many years ago, inviting people that we've felt a connection with over to our home for chocolate desserts. Being on our own turf makes it a bit easier for us to relax and enjoy other's company and develop varying relationships. Over the years we have had several of our children's friends and their families over, and this seemingly small act has introduced us to many wonderful and generous people. One such family we met though our daughter, Amanda. We had her friend's family over for dessert & Mom recognized this unique vanilla used. We bonded over chocolate dessert & Vanilla.

Prayer is one of the most powerful ways a person can develop a closer relationship with God, but that doesn’t mean it always comes easily. In 3rd Nephi chapter 19, when Jesus is among the Nephites after His crucifixion, He shows himself to the multitude. As he goes among the people with his newly called 12 disciples, they did “teach the multitude; and behold, they did cause that the multitude should kneel down upon the face of the earth, and should pray unto the Father in the name of Jesus.” It is here in verse 6 , that we are taught to kneel for prayer and speak in the name of Jesus. And the Nephites prayed for that which they “most desired that the Holy Ghost should be given unto them.” As we make a routine and habit of approaching God in prayer, we will come to know Him. We are to pray often and always have a prayer in our hearts. Not just when the tempest is rising, but always, that we may Hear Him and recognize Him when the tempest rises.

As we kneel in respect to our Lord, we should use language that shows love, respect, reverence and closeness. In April of 2020 we celebrated 200 years since Joseph Smith’s first vision that was the result of his following the council given in James chapter 1 verse 5. “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not and it shall be given him.” At that time, President Russell M. Nelson invited all to “Hear Him.” and he, the first presidency and the council of the 12 apostles, our General Relief Society President and our General Primary President shared how they pray to our Heavenly Father and “Hear Him” through the Holy Ghost. Elder Jeffery R Holland shares, “ One of the great lessons I have learned about prayer is the power that comes in praying out loud. For me, there is something about saying the words. It is one of the most meaningful ways I have found to really reach through to Heaven and hear the Lord’s voice.” “ We need to carve out time-good time, high priority time- when we can kneel, if possible, and be vocal. Say the words. I believe that this process is basic to how God communicates with us and how He intends for us to communicate with Him.”

For me, vocalizing my prayers makes them more tangible and myself more vulnerable. I do not always pray aloud. There are times when I truly do not have words to express my love, my gratitude, my anxieties, my fears and seeking forgiveness. At these times, I ask Heavenly Father to please hear and know my heart and mind and grant me guidance and direction. I also find vocalizing my prayers helps me to focus and to push aside the many thought intrusions that I have. I struggle with anxiety. Some days, it can be nearly debilitating as I am unable to push aside the negative and overwhelming thoughts that are not invited. As I whisper to my Heavenly Father for the strength to endure the waves of emotions, lack of self confidence, and onslaught of negative thoughts, I plead with Him to hear my heart and my sincere desires to be the wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend and example that He needs me to be. And just as when Jesus caused the storms to cease when he was at sea with His chosen apostles, I feel the peace that He promised to always send. I know that there will be more storms, I also know that He has given me the ability to communicate with him through prayer and people who help steady me through them.

When I am vocal, whether for my own personal prayers, family prayers or those of a more public nature, I find that I speak more slowly and deliberately. My voice inflections seem to be softer and more like I am speaking with a new baby. On one occasion, the Lord Jesus Christ, “was praying in a certain place” and “when he ceased, one of his disciples said unto him, Lord, teach us to pray.” Luke chapter 11 verse 1. Then He taught his disciples to pray. He teaches us today through scriptures and modern prophets to see Him in our mind as though we are face to face convercing, being sincere in our desire to be closer to and open with our Heavenly Father. Jesus sets the example time and again as He seeks solitude to pray in earnest with his words and actions. He allows his heart to be seen by the Lord. His willingness to accept the Lord’s desires and guidance as He prepared himself to make important decisions. 

At the very moment we say “Father in Heaven,” He is listening and is sensitive to us and our needs. His attention is connected to us in a way that allows Him to see our heart and mind and thoughts. Nothing can be hidden from Him. This is where it is hard for me. Letting someone, anyone, see all of my anxieties and unsure parts. Being vulnerable and insecure. Letting them see my fears that are both rational and irrational. My mistakes, my not-really-the-best-ideas or choices that I have made and acted upon be witnessed. THAT is where prayer is difficult. That is where Heavenly Father shows us the most incredible love and kindness and mercy. He doesn’t take these imperfections, thoughts, fears and bad decisions and tell everybody about them. He does not make them known to anybody. Instead he covers them with a blanket of such tenderness that they don’t feel so overwhelming, so obvious and He allows us to feel this calm and peace enough for us to get to the part of our prayer where we can ask forgiveness, seek guidance and receive council.

Elder Ulisses Soars shares “Every one of us needs to establish a communication channel with the Lord to Hear Him. This is a daily effort for me. Personal scripture study, guided by the Lord, has helped me to be more self-sufficient spiritually.” Elder D. Todd Christofferson shares “I hope that everyone can understand that there is not a ‘perfect prayer.’ We do not have to focus on a specific kind of pattern or verbage. The one thing that is required is the heart, the real desire to receive what the Lord would have us hear.” “The most crucial thing any of us can learn how to do is to hear our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ speaking to us through the Holy Ghost.”

As we kneel in prayer and open our heart and mind to the Lord, we are only beginning. By seeking his council we are telling Heavenly Father that we are willing to do our very best to follow any council He may give us. Prayer isn’t talking AT Heavenly Father. Prayer is the representation, communication and commitment of a relationship. Relationships involve more than 1 person. Through our relationships with other people, whether an acquaintance relationship, a friendship relationship, a sibling, parent, family relationship, dating relationship, work or marriage relationships, we learn about ourselves. We learn our likes and dislikes. We learn our strengths and struggles, we learn love, respect, responsibilities, we learn who we are and who we want to become. In our relationship with Heavenly Father, we are able to see all that we have been and all that we will be. It is through this relationship that He allows us to see ourselves through His eyes and behold the beauty and strength that he has blessed us with. 

Heavenly Father puts many people and various relationships in our paths to help us grow and also allow us to help others in their growth. He also puts these into place to fulfill His promise to us to always be with us and guide and direct us. With my anxieties, I struggle to know which thoughts are mine and which are those He needs me to hear. Small and quiet voices get lost. I know that for this reason, Heavenly Father has put some amazing people in my life to help me when I need it most. My husband, Tanner, and my children are at the forefront. On Christmas Eve, our oldest daughter was in a car accident. The month of December is expectantly a busy month full of family gatherings, shopping, reaching out to others more because of the Christmas Spirit. It was a bit more busy than that for us. I’d started the month off with having a nasal reconstructive surgery so I can breath better, celebrating an 18th birthday for Deandra, Cameron having an accident and needing stitches in his hand, Brianna moving home for winter break from University, celebrating the birth of our family of 23 years, several more medical tests for myself and a planned knee surgery for Tanner. A car accident was pretty much the straw to break the proverbial camel’s back. Tanner and I met Krista at the scene of the accident to find she had a badly broken wrist and a totalled car. And a happy chatty 9 month old at her feet. We took her to meet her husband at the Emergency Department closest to the Orthopedic Hand Specialist that I have seen several times, hoping that someone from his offices would be on-call. That was not the case. She was stabilized and sent home for the holiday weekend with the name and number of a surgeon to call. We had a fantastic holiday despite the abrupt changes in plans. Monday morning she called the office of the referred Dr. He specialized in hip and knee replacements. He wouldn’t touch her. Krista being on pain medications wasn't quite up to the task of getting herself seen and her husband was doing his best to support her by keeping his new job and asking his parents, myself and Tanner to assist Krista and help with their 9 month old son. My anxieties were not in a good place. Through prayer and the moments of calm that Heavenly Father blessed me with, I helped by making phone calls. Nobody could get Krista in to be seen for several days. We were able to secure an appointment for Thurs, but I kept having this overwhelming feeling that she needed to be seen sooner not later. With so much going on around me, I worried that my anxieties were creating more chaos than allowing for guidance. It was at this point, I felt an overwhelming need to reach out to a distant friend whose husband is a PA to an orthopedic hand surgeon. They of course were out of town but did what they could. Mostly, for me, she kept a running text with me through Cameron's & now Krista's. Although her husband wasn't able to get Krista in sooner, the calming presence, understanding & suggestions they both offered was what we, especially I, needed.

The next person I reached out to wasn't so easy. Amanda had grown away from her friend that we'd had over for dessert, their dad is an Orthopedic Surgeon. We'd not spoken with their family in over a year. But we had vanilla. I called & asked for help. That is NEVER easy. I explained our situation & assured her that we understood if they weren't in a position to help. Lindsay, mom, called John, Orthopedic Surgeon & asked him to simply pull her x-ray. She called back less than 10 minutes later asking us to get to his office within 15 minutes when he would take a break between patients. It was a 22 minute Dr from our house. We made it. He said it was bad & he'd be able to do surgery on all but the worst of the breaks. So he asked us to sit tight. He made calls & pulled in favors. We were sent to Ortho Arizona to see a more specialized hand specialist. He said he could squeeze us in if we could be there's within 30 minutes. His office was 40 minutes away, not including construction, school zones & traffic. We made it without speeding again. So vary many prayers & anxieties calmed! Many prayers were & continue to be answered. Had we waited for the original appointment a week after her accident, she would have lost dexterity in her dominant hand due to lack of bloodflow in the bones within her hand.

Prayer is a direct line to our Heavenly Father. He gave us this direct line to use. Daily, regularly, often. Sometimes we pray out of habit or faking it till we make it. Or just because it’s the right thing to do. But when we come to see for ourselves that through prayer we are stronger, we can Hear Him over and through the anxieties and chaos that this world and sometimes our own bodies and mind throw at us. It doesn’t take the chaos and anxiety away, but it calms it. I have a solid testimony of prayer. Of hope. Prayer doesn't take our struggles away. Prayer does give us hope & as we continue to pray, we can hear Him through the chaos of our struggles & anxieties. Sometimes when we can't hear Him in our own mind, He places people in our paths to speak for Him. Please take the time for yourselves to pray and learn to Hear Him.