You never know what you have until it's gone

In thisworld today, so full of drama and anger and emotions, the phrase “You never know what you have until it's gone” is not abnormal. In fact, it is a common phrase. You can find it in a book, a movie, or even a comic. But nobody ever dares to dive deep into its meaning. Sure, you have something, you love it and you lose it, then suddenly the world is thrown apart. Everybody expects this dramatic outcome, but in all reality, it's in the little things. I recently lost someone I love. And it sounds like something that would walk out of a book, but to be honest, I didn't realize how much I loved this person until they left. My best friend.

    I was stupid and I was just learning to see the differences between my emotions. I am no good with emotions. At least, not my own. But he was there and I never thought of a time he wouldn't be there for me. I let our friendship grow. Looking back, it's kinda funny, but I had to ask my sister what I was feeling because I had no idea what this emotion was. I asked her, my mom, my dad, and all the people close to me. They all said the same thing. “We can't tell you how to feel or what exactly you are feeling, but it sounds like you really like this guy. Beyond friendship standards.”

    I was skeptical. I was determined to just be friends. I was going to college and he was leaving for a time. I didn't want to work with a long distance relationship. This was my first mistake. I told him that we should be just friends and he respected my decision. Whether he liked it or not, he kept my trust. But as time went on, as we kept hanging out, we got closer. In my mind I kept telling myself that this was fine. We were still just friends. That was my second mistake. I kept denying it. Maybe I should have told him how I felt. Maybe I should have reached out a little farther and met him in the middle. I knew how he felt and by this point I knew how I felt. 

    Then I left for college. I did everything in my power to keep in touch. I texted almost every day and called every chance I could get. I don't know what was going on, but he wouldn't reach back out. And it hurt. More than I have ever hurt before. That's when I decided I needed to know why. Why someone that I thought cared for me would just go silent. What was going on. I wanted to help make it better and I needed closure.

    I drove home for the weekend and I walked right up to him and asked my questions. I asked him why he was ghosting me. I told him that I was there for him, that he could tell me anything and our relationship wouldn't change. I told him he wasn't alone, and that he shouldn't feel the need to be alone. I had thought I made it clear how I felt, but I guess not. That is when I realized he was gone. He didn't want to talk to me, so I wouldn't push him. And maybe I should have, but I can't change it now.

    I was angry and I still am. Looking back, there are so many little things I miss. When you hear the phrase “You never know what you have until it's gone.” you think of the whole picture. The person. But it is so much more than that. It's the way he hugged you. How you had to go on tiptoe to hug him back. It's how he was so patient with you in the beginning. It was really cute, he always asked before giving me a hug. And he respected my decision when I said no. But when I finally knew him well enough, I hugged him back. But it's not just the hugs. It's the way he looked at you. Like he knew what was going on in your mind. It's the awkward silences when neither of you know what to say, so you just look at each other until you both feel so out of place that you just have to laugh. It's the first time he held your hand. How he played with your fingers until you just told him to grab it. It's the moment of happiness when you finally held his hand back. It's how he said your name, it's how he held you during a movie. It's all the little things that make him up.

And now he is gone.

When you hear the phrase “You never know what you have until it's gone.” it's true. He left and I broke. Every day was hard to get by and it was difficult not being able to talk to him. I did what I could to fix it, but he didn't seem to want it to be fixed. And now all I am left with is the ‘what if’s’.

    What if I had told him I liked him? What if I had held his hand sooner? What if, what if, what if? But soon those ‘what ifs’ turned negative. What if it was just a game? What if he didn't really like me? What if I did something wrong?

    I miss him every day. And as cruel as it sounds, I decided to take him out of my life. I had been in such a situation before and the fear of getting hurt again was too much to handle. Thinking of what was best for me, I moved on, without hope of hearing from him again.

    I'm doing much better now. Those sleepless nights and all those tears I cried were not for nothing. I learned from this experience. It was a difficult lesson, but it taught me that I need to be able to think about myself and what is best for me at least some of the time. I can't always put others before me and my needs. Holding on would have been too much, and I fear it would have broken me even more.

And it sounds like a sappy love story, but this is my sappy love story. Although it wasn't the longest or most interesting, it finally hit it's last chapter. This sappy love story has finally hit it's ending.

By Brianna Rae