My Greatest Love Story

This started out as my love story for Tanner. I have been praying to better feel my love for him & our kiddos & as I was loving him & wanting to share my story with him for our anniversary & then with everyone. I guard myself & my family when getting to know people. It took me so very long to let Tanner into my heart even as my friend. Maybe that's why I don't have many friends, because I don't let anybody get too close. What can I say? I'm overly cautious. It isn't easy for me. Between Tanner & Heavenly Father & my kiddos, I am loved & very happy... I've been accused of being standoffish, a snob & plain rude. The friends I've made & opened up to in the past are my friends forever. They will cross my mind & I feel encouraged to reach out with them. Sometimes I do. Anyways.... Nineteen years ago today I married someone I didn't really know....yep! So let me back up a little bit. When I "met" Tanner in late August of 1998 I had just been brutally dumped by young man I had thought I would be marrying. This guy & I had dated for a while before he left to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. I wrote to him faithfully. I kept in touch with his parents & family, they are amazing! I finished my Associate's Degree & also earned my Cosmetology License. I was active in church & made a couple of friends-more acquaintances. I had moved up to Mesa, AZ with my cousins & my friend, Sara, & brother & was working when he returned home from his mission. We talked often on the phone often because he was attending Eastern Arizona College in Thatcher, AZ. We did talk future & what I thought was just a matter of time turned into a phone call saying "Guess what?!?" This guy was super excited & my heart leaped! He was ready! Nope. So far from truth. "I'm engaged!" I dropped the phone. I think I may have fallen down. I somehow was able to hang up the phone. He tried calling back. I couldn't speak let alone to him. My roommate took me on a date with her. Yep I was a third wheel that night. We went to the movies. I cried. I prayed. What the heck?!? He & I had great communications, or so I thought. He told me he was studying & trying to decide where to transfer to for University. He said he missed me & looked forward to seeing me in person. Said he played basketball & hung out with his roommates. I THINK I talked to him a bit later. Not a very clear week. I do remember talking to his mom & her saying something to the sort of he'll come around. He seemed to be not sure of what he wanted. I had hope. So I kept doing what I was, just without visiting with my best friend. That's what hurt the most. Then the last week of August I was meeting my roommates for a Singles Ward Variety Show. I REALLY didn't want to go. But I wanted to be alone at the apartment even less. So, after work I parked my car at the church building & sat there for a while. The program had already started about 45 minutes earlier. But I told my roommates I'd be there so I picked my pitiful self up out of the car & went in. My roommates weren't there. Figured. I wasn't going to be upset. I was just going to go home & go to bed. I really wasn't in a good place....I was heading out & had the overwhelming feeling I HAD to stay. Ugh. Fine. I was already there. So as I was standing in the back of the room trying to hide I noticed a head I recognized. My home teacher was there! He was sitting on the back row of chairs all by himself. He knew. I could sit by him & say I had supported the ward & was there. So I quietly walked up to the back row & while watching the current performer, I asked if I could sit there with him. He said sure. I looked down because his voice sounded off. It wasn't him. REALLY? What else could go wrong? Well. I asked so I had better plop myself down & be done with it. Embarrassing! I just asked to sit next to a total stranger. UGH. I sat. Ramrod straight. Kept my skirt over my knees & my feet from bouncing around & held my hands clutched together in my lap till the show was over. Then they announced that there was a dance after the show. Not for me! I said thank you to the guy I didn't know. Didn't ask his name. Didn't want to know & hit the door & ran. I was gone the next weekend for a camping trip to Mt. Graham for our Merrill Family Reunion. Then I helped a friend of mine help her new guy friend James move into his new place & he wanted to know more about the church. So I had a few weeks of missionary-ing with him & my roommates. He became interested in & wanted to date Sara ;-) I was so happy for her! Anyways, after the weekend away & doing more scripture studies I was starting to feel a bit more human, but not really. Then I missed another week to stupid sinus infections. Then in mid-September as James went to church with my roommates & I (just not the one he was interested in-she was out of town). In that particular singles' ward, they have you stand up & introduce yourself pretty much every time you miss a Sunday there because of the high turnover. So lucky me. I got to stand up & introduce myself. Again. And James. And he announced that he was getting baptized the first Sunday in October. Lots of people came to meet James  & offer assistance. He was a bit lost but enjoying the attention of the others & then this guy came up & introduced himself to James  & I saying he'd just returned from his mission a few weeks ago. My exact thoughts at the time was "He wishes he were still on his mission. He'd be a great friend to James  & give James  some male friends in the ward to get to know & have someone to sit with in Priesthood meetings." This guy named Tanner then turned to me & said hello & I said, as I had to several other people in the last few minutes, Here's my name & number. Here's James'. Give us a call. We can do Family Home Evening or something together. He needs a friend." And I didn't think about it again. Till Tanner called wanting to drive to the next FHE together. And then to the next singles activity. Then when he found out I cut hair he asked me for a haircut. I cut his hair. My roommates were all "Wow! He's kinda cute with his haircut! What do you think?" I thought about the guy that dumped me. Said yea, he's nice. Then the next week I met Tanner's Dad at James' baptism. He was nice. Very happy out going kind of guy. Oh, Tanner's older brother Trent was in our ward, too. He was funny & it was almost nice to have humans around me. But not really. Wow. I wasn't a very positive perky roommate. I just kind of went through the motions. Do what was expected of me. Smile. Try to have fun. Then we were heading to FHE together the next night. It was Sara, James, Tanner & I. Cell phones weren't the most reliable & I'm really not very good with directions. At all. So the four of us went to Freestone Park, in Gilbert to wander & visit. James  & Sara held hands. I just followed along visiting with Tanner. We manually turned on the sprinklers for a while & went & sat at the back of the park together & zapped each other on a metal sign next to an electrical line. Somehow Tanner & I ended up holding hands. It wasn't bad. Tanner said he liked me. I said "I like you, too." then he said we needed to talk. OKAY... so we made arrangements to get together the next night. I drove over to his parents house & we went for a walk around the block. He held my hand. It was nice. He talked about not wanting to spend money on somebody else's wife. I thought about being dumped. I told him about being dumped. We got back to his parents & I figured, "Well, that was that. I'm in absolutely no mood to be in a relationship again. Ever. And he doesn't want to spend money. Okay. He wanted to hold a girls hand & get kissed so he can be more at home in the world of non-missionary-ing." He took my other hand in his so I was facing him. He leaned forward. Okay. I leaned forward. Our foreheads together, he spoke words that pierced my heart & soul & gave me absolutely no doubt in my mind. He asked me nearly word for word of my Patriarchal Blessing to be his eternal companion. I said "Okay." he said I could take some time to think about it. I thought "with revelation as dang clear as that I'd best grab on & hold tight because it was going to be one heck of a ride. I couldn't pronounce his last name. He had only met 1 of my brothers. I didn't love him. I didn't know him. I knew the power of the Holy Ghost. He knew I was still hurt. We told his parents 2 days later. We went on our first date. He met my parents & other siblings. My siblings all asked about the other guy. Tanner just held my hand & smiled. My dad grilled in the dark for the very last time. The night before Tanner & I were married, I called this guy's last known number. He & his fiancé were broken up. I cried. I thought about going to see him as I was driving to my Aunt Judy's house for my last night of being single. I prayed. I went to the Mesa Temple the next morning & made the first of many great decisions in my life. I chose Tanner. Tanner & I prayed. He was going to school at ASU. I was working full time. We met every Friday after work & did temple work together. We decided to have a baby. We still barely knew each other. In April we found out our Krista was on her way :-) We were happy. I was sick. I was gently asked to leave work because I kept passing out & being sick at work. I stayed home. We lived at Uncle Dan's house. I still hurt. I loved Tanner but I still wasn't in love. Stupid I know, right? The day after Krista was born I talked to the guy again. He was engaged. My daughter has his now wife's birthday. He hung up. I focused on Tanner & Krista & temple work & I was happy! Brianna came & I started cleaning out boxes from before Tanner. Ummmm.....not the best idea. Tanner & I were in a good place. But we both had random thoughts that if anything were to happen to the other we weren't so attached that we'd be in a bad place. We were becoming best friends. Kind of funny how that happens....we totally did the whole relationship & getting married & having a family thing in all the wrong order! I found a box of the guys. That was a set back in my emotional head. I was so mad at myself. Why couldn't I just leave it alone already?!? What the heck? More prayers. More heart to hearts with Tanner. Tanner suggested I needed closure. I agreed. I called that number again. Made arrangements to stop by & give back the last gift the guy gave me. A tiny bear that a little girl that had attached herself to him while on his mission. As Tanner & I were standing in his & his wife's doorway, my Brianna kept trying to take the bear. I was trying not to throw it. Or act like he was still my best friend that I could talk anything about with. His wife kept trying to let Brianna keep it. Finally Tanner took it & handed it to him& we turned & drove away. I cried. After putting the girls to bed I went in & took a shower. Tanner came in & held me & apologized for this guy's hurting me. I fell in love with Tanner that night. He was the first & only person to apologize for my being hurt by this guy. He & everybody else made excuses for him. Tanner became the center of my universe. I didn't hurt anymore. Tanner healed my heart when he took me into his arms & apologized for my being in pain. He did for me what nobody else could. Our life together finally became real. I love Tanner! He is my best friend! He wasn’t my first love. But he is most definitely my True Love. I am grateful for choosing to say okay & stick with it. I am grateful for Tanner sticking with me! I am grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who sent Tanner to me in a way that I could not ignore. Sometimes I wonder about his & his family. I miss the friendship I had with him. I miss the friendship I had with his mom. I miss the friendship that had just begun with his sister. Just as I do others that I’ve been great friends with over the years. Yes, sometimes I “cyber-stock” to catch up on those I’ve not had close to me as once were. Sometimes I may even go as far as reach out to them & get reacquainted with. But I love Tanner. Sometimes I feel like my life is something of a dream & that I’ll wake up back in college waiting to meet my Mr. Right. As our children have grown & we've gotten to know other families the question of our love story gets asked. It definitely isn't a normal one! But it is ours! Over the years we have had many adventures. Some that have given me cause to make more great decisions. Rest assured, I choose Tanner & my kiddos every time! He is my rock, my best friend, my lover, my partner. I look forward to many, many more years with him! We are just getting started!