T.V.Potterf

As I’m sitting here waiting for all the photos to upload, I’m smiling. Live if full of many ups & downs & things you should or shouldn’t have done or said.  I’m actually home now from our Church services, because of an anxiety attack that I couldn’t get control of. Just add it to the list.  Right now I can’t actually be around people or noise without wanting to start yelling about things that don’t matter. Paper rustling, somebody sneezing, the speakers using “um” more than 3 times, my 7 year old daughter having the wiggles, my 16 year old trying to braid my boy’s hair, somebody sniffling, somebody scratching, the buzzing sound that the lights make when they are turned on.  Everyday movements & sounds that on a normal day nobody, myself included, notices.  But, yesterday I went to the stores with my Cameron & Tanner to get Cameron some shoes.  We stopped at 3 different store, & by the time we’d returned home 2 hours later, the congestion of the store, the sound of the people, the slow pace of other people, the impatience of drivers cutting in & out of traffic had my heart racing.  I had an elephant doing a Tango on my chest. I couldn’t hardly breathe.  I did my breathing exercises, I covered my ears to help drown out the noises that were amplified, I rolled the window down to get fresh air, I thought all my happy thoughts, focused on what was real & solid, I drank my water.  My Tanner stopped & picked me up something to eat, I did more breathing & focusing.  By the time we returned home, I thought I’d be good.  Krista & a friend were in town for a few hours from Flagstaff & I was looking forward to visiting with them.  We have a Family Dinner tonight in celebration of Uncle Dan’s birthday I was doing some cooking for, housework was getting done, girls were doing their laundry for the week, all was going great & looking good.  Then, as I was getting out of the car to head into the house & start cooking, the elephant on my chest started doing jumping jacks & had invited some friends to join in. Then the nausea hit. I stood outside waiting for the elephants to stop. They didn’t.  They started doing burpees & I had to run for the bathroom. The world started spinning & the elephants were only getting started on their darn exercise routine & I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. So, when my Tanner came in to check on me a few minutes later, I took ½ of my knockout medication. I have a love hate relationship with this medication. I absolutely love that it chases off the elephants that use my chest as a trampoline, but I hate that I miss out on so much for next 2-3 days while the medication works its way through my system.  My Tanner took care of the cooking & keeping the kiddos on task of their jobs & laundry, Krista & her friend came & visited & had fun playing in the backyard with the kiddos, admiring the new baby chickies that we have & Brianna’s baby duck that she has trained to follow her around & is currently trying to potty-train.  All in all, everybody had a great, normal day while I was sleeping off the elephants.  I slept from noon on Saturday till 7am Sunday morning.  I survived the first half of Sacrament Meeting before needing to be in a quiet controlled atmosphere.  I hate anxiety attacks.  I’m very grateful for modern medication that helps to control my anxiety.  For me, my anxiety truly is a chemical imbalance. I’ve done the talking therapy, the cognitive behavior therapy, the listening therapy, the exercise therapy, the praying because it’s all in your head therapy, more scripture reading therapy, the food therapy, the isolating myself, falling into depression, & many more that others & google have suggested.  For me. It takes a daily medication, eating regularly, physically dragging myself out of the house some days, trying to exercise regularly, attempting to have outside-of-my-immediate-family friends, but mostly it’s having my Tanner.  I’m grateful every day for him & my kiddos. I love spending time visiting, playing, shopping, sewing, cooking, eating, exercising, adventuring & LIVING with my family.  They truly are the greatest gift I’ve ever received.  They accept my flaw & help me through my anxieties.  They love & teach me the things that matter most.  They keep me grounded on the days the elephants come to visit, which gratefully isn’t often! For me, today, even with the elephants threatening to break through their walls back to my chest, I’m grateful for the ups & downs that my life gives me that I can have days like today to recognize the love & gratitude I have for the gift of my family. The photos that aren't quite finished uploading will give you just a tiny glimpse of the blessings I've enjoyed this year!